Metamorphosis

The most frightening thing about losing my son is the waves of grief and how they affect everyone who lost him. Marcus Aurelius tells us that grief and anger can be worse than the things that caused the grief and anger, but it seems impossible to control. 

The very fabric of my reality has been torn open and will be forever changed. I don't seem to have much control over this change, but I am trying to be a good person through it. I am a vastly different person than I was on July 8th. This is a forest fire raging through the core of me. It's self-hatred and regret and pain scouring any kind of soft ideas inside of me  Only the mighty oaks and great mountains of what I know to be true remain. 

I don't know if I'm going to continue in medicine. I want to. But how am I going to save lives when my own son needed help and I couldn't reach him in time? 

I'm working with well meaning grief counselors and therapists. If I must change, then I want to direct how I will change. If this pain is not going to end, I want it to be used to make my family better. I want to use it to make the world better. But I'm just exhausted. I can have three cups of coffee and not be able to start doing anything. 
 
I saw my son's casket come off the plane last night as the Army performed full planeside honors. I saw body last night at the funeral home. I barely remember the drive home. Thankfully the Army's Casualty Assistance Officer was driving. I know I watched TV, I can't tell you what I watched. I woke up about 10 this morning. And writing this blog is the most productive thing I've been able to do. It's just about 5:30 PM. I have a counseling appointment at 6. So I'll just wait around for that. 

I am an exhausted mess going through a change I did not plan for. Deeply missing a son that I could not reach. After the fires inside of me rage, there is no anger, there is no blame. Just nothing. I will feel nothing until the fires rage again, and remembering my son at his best and the times we shared is one of the few things that gives me respite from this awful, awful time. 

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