My little buddy

When Aben was born, I was a very lonely person. I'm not a person a lot of people get close to, I'm strange and I talk too much. I am very sensitive to the uneasiness people develop when we're talking and I go off on a tangent that makes zero sense to them. It's a part of my life, most people don't get me. And, as a young man, it hurt a lot to be unloved and unwanted.  

But suddenly there was this wonderful, beautiful little boy who loved me without hesitation, and always wanted to be around me. And I was so happy every time he was with me. I can remember getting off of the bus from work and him running down the block with his arms wide open just waiting for me to catch him with his mom or grandma trailing behind. When I would drop him off at daycare before I went to work at Office Depot, we would wait for the 309 bus and I would put him up on my shoulders so he could make the 'air horn' sign at passing big rigs, and it thrilled him when they would honk back at him. We always stopped in at the mall to look around and eat something. I actually feel a bit of comfort that he's laid to rest off of El Camino Real where he and I spent so much time together. 

My dad recently recalled that every time I would come over to their house, I had little Aben with me, and he followed me everywhere. He was my little buddy and my assistant. He gave me purpose and I was not alone as long as I threw everything I had into making his life great. 

I now regret joining the Army. It really damaged the bond between us and it never quite recovered. I was not skilled enough to repair that bond. Especially after my divorce. Objectively, everyone knew it was the right thing to do, but Aben was really wounded by it. Even more so when he had to come live with me apart from his mom. I tried a few times in therapy with him to apologize and I told him every single day I spoke with him that I love him, and I just hoped that would break through eventually. 

I thought that as he grew up and became an adult, he would eventually understand how complex life gets and that hard decision have to be made in the most compassionate way possible. But we never got there. 

He never got to empathize with me. We never had that reconciliation. I never got to close that distance that anger and circumstance put between us.   

I feel like the day I became and adult is when I stopped holding my own father to impossible standards and realized he was just a man like me who inherited a whole world of problems, and I thought Aben would eventually see that about me too. 

Maybe he does now. I hope he does. 

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