Migrated from imgur post: My son passed away a few days ago, and I didn't know it was possible to hurt this bad

Link to imgur post: https://imgur.com/gallery/88taK1e


He was one of my favorite people on the planet. He was creative, sweet, and he really cared about other people. He was such a good big brother, and always looked out for the younger kids. He was brilliant at programming rhythm and beats. I always liked when he would ninja sample me practicing guitar, like around the corner without me knowing,  and then make a little song out of it.  He really loved all kinds of music. 

He also used to draw these massive cityscapes in perfect 3 point perspective and make up whole stories about the people in them. He would just add an 8 1/2 x 11 page with scotch tape when he needed to add space to his scene. And he had always talked about being a civil engineer and solving problems with traffic and all that. He was just a brilliant mind, and I still love him so much. 

But he also suffered from severe bipolar disorder. As he grew up with me, I made the decision that, since I had custody, he was my responsibility.  I gave up a few jobs and I relocated our entire family to make sure myself or someone was always available to handle a bipolar crisis if it occured. Because they were really bad. Getting that impulsivity controlled was like a full time job for me.  But over a few hard years, he was diagnosed and treated properly, and barring the occasional outburst, it seemed like after some rocky teenage years, he was going into adulthood smoothly.  

When he was 18, and legally could do what he wanted, he moved across the country for a job he really liked after he (impulsively)  married his high school sweetheart. As they started their lives together, I told her that she needed to make sure he kept seeing a doctor for his issues. And they decided that he was just going to stop seeking treatment. In fact, he refused to get treatment. 

He began to lash out at me and insist that his diagnosis was something I had made up to disparage and control him. For instance, if he had a bad day at work, or a fight with his wife, it was my fault for raising him wrong and a day came where he sent me walls of text messages telling me how he saw right through my plan to control his life... So, I tried to warn his wife, her mother in law, and relatives on that side of the country. 

Nobody listened. 

That was when they had the first big crisis in late November. And he was arrested. He nearly killed his wife, and I begged her to stay away until he got treatment. And to him, that was me trying to turn his wife against him, so he got really angry at me. And I would not have cared if it had meant that he would have gotten help. Unfortunately, she was just a young girl who believed that love would cure all, so she went back to him. Against my advice. The advice of police, the advice of mental health and domestic abuse experts. She was going to fix him all by herself. 

Police said there was nothing they could do. He was an adult and didn't want treatment. And the way the situation was, she had to agree to press charges against him and wouldn't. I would have had to fly across the country and file an order against him to force him into treatment. He would have hated me forever, but maybe if I had done that he'd still be alive. 

It got bad in March again. That's when we stopped talking. I had to try and talk sense into him. I told him point blank that he needed to go to a hospital. He needed to tell them that he was bipolar and not in control right now. All he would do is shout and curse at me on the phone, and just unleashed hours of abusive texts at me. So I told him I didn't want to speak with him until he agreed to get help. I was just so exhausted and frustrated. 

He was emphatic that his life was not mine to save. He was going to figure this out on his own. Even though he had the answer. His wife had the answer. The crisis counselors that responded to them had the answer. HE NEEDED TO BE IN A HOSPITAL. He needed a psychologist and a psychiatrist working with him to handle the times in life that sent him spiralling. 

He started systematically cutting off contact with people who were telling him to get help, and I'd hear from his grandparents or cousins that they couldn't get a hold of him, or his wife said that he was just too busy with work. 

On the 4th of July they had their last crisis. I don't know the details or really care to, but he went far enough that she said she was leaving and coming back home. And her leaving entirely set him off. He turned off his cell phone and bought a shotgun. Would not answer calls. Police were keeping an eye out for him. He wasn't seen for a few days. He sent a few text messages saying goodbye to people and posted a video clip of a movie where they said "I'll see you on the other side."

From what I understand, his wife had stayed away for her own safety. And she had come home very early July 9th. She knew he had a gun and called the police to do a welfare check, so she'd be safe going into the house. He was inside with a self inflicted GSW that killed him instantly. 

The detective on scene called me and it was the worst phone call I ever received. I kept him alive for so long, and I feel like I let him down when he needed me most. 

There is no go fund me. There is no collection. His funeral is covered. 

But please, do your part to destigmatize mental healthcare. Please do your part to help friends get the help they need. Vote out assholes who treat mental healthcare like a luxury item. Call out assholes who treat mental illness like a made up conspiracy. 

If he had never talked to me again, but gone to treatment, and lived the life he wanted, I would have been fine with it. I think I would spare anyone this pain. I'm not supposed to live in a world where he's not alive. I love my son so much and I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. 

Please, go hug your kids. And thank you for reading my usersub venting session. I need to get this out and I'm trying to be as dignified as possible for my family as we sort through this.